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The Virtual Date
Living in the military
lifestyle, my husband travels quite a bit for professional
development and training activities. We have used virtual
dates to preserve the fun, friendship, and romance in our marriage
while he is out of town.
Last year, he was out of town on
our anniversary. On our virtual date, we "met" at the same
restaurant at the same time. We had our mobile phones with the
hands-free earpiece so that we could talk to each other over
dinner.
It was amazing how our servers
were in sync with bringing our drinks, appetizers and main courses
at about the same time. Once our servers knew that we were
having a virtual date, they surprised us with dessert on the
house!
Another fun virtual date idea is
to go see the same movie at the same time and talk about it by phone
or e-mail afterward.
My hope is that you discover
your own creativity for enhancing an important
relationship.
If you have other ideas for
virtual dates, please use the contact page
to submit them. That way I can post of list of ideas that we
all can use.
Just Breathe
Put one hand on your belly and
the other hand on your chest. If you're getting a deep,
relaxing breath, it should be the hand on your belly that is
moving. Breathing from your abdomen is the foundation of any
attempt to relax.
Deep breathing is a portable
stress reliever that no one has to know you are using. Of
course, as you get better at it, you won't need your hands on your
belly and chest.
I use deep breathing throughout
the day to bring a sense of calm into my life. On the inhale,
I think, "POSITIVE ENERGY IN," and on the exhale I think,
"NEGATIVE ENERGY OUT." It's my way of getting rid of
distressing thoughts and feelings and welcoming self-enhancing
thoughts and feelings.
I sometimes run for
exercise. For extra motivation, I add affirming words to the
regular rhythm of my breathing. For example,
STRENGTH, exhale, DETERMINATION, exhale,
MOTIVATION, exhale, YOU CAN DO IT, exhale,
PUSH IT!
In this way, my workout is not
only a physical exercise, but a mentally, emotionally, and
spiritually affirming experience. Some people use yoga and Tai
Chi in a similar way.
My hope is that you discover
your own ways of using deep breathing to enhance your
life.
The Ties that
Bind
In the coming months, many
people will be attending family reunions-- a time to celebrate
intergenerational bonding, continuity, values and heritage.
Celebrate your family (however you define it and have created it)
with the following tips:
1. Write a letter or send
a postcard to a family member. Write about a fond memory you
have of them. Express gratitude for something they said or did
that was meaningful and special for you. Just write, "Hi, I'm
thinking of you."
Some people find handwritten and
mailed notes more personal than e-mailing them. Also, for the
recipient it can be like getting a gift in the midst of bills and
junk mail.
2. Take some pictures out
of those photo albums that have been collecting dust. Frame
them and place them on walls and/or shelves. That picture that
embarrassed you as a teenager is cute now. If nothing else, it
makes a nice conversation piece.
3. Participate in your
family reunion planning, even if it's just offering ideas. If
your family doesn't have regular reunions, inquire about getting one
started.
My hope is that you will find
creative ways to celebrate your family and remind yourself of
special people and fond memories.
You Just Know
I used to ask friends who were
in serious relationships, "How do you know he's Mr. Right?" or "How
do you know she's the one?" Invariably I was told, "You just
know."
Armed with this knowing they
seemed propelled to make deeper levels of commitment, such as
marriage. No one could elaborate on this elusive idea of
knowing and help me determine if I should invest in and commit to a
developing relationship.
I resigned myself to being on
the outside looking in until some magical force would one day grant
membership to this exclusive club.
Looking back now after three
years of marriage, I realize that knowing is a process.
First, it meant preparing
myself.
Second, it meant not having
reservations about three areas that were important to me.
- We were at similar places in
our spiritual journey.
- Our conversations left me
feeling respected, satisfied, and validated.
- We generally agreed on
expectations in the relationship.
Through this I came to know that
we could cultivate a healthy and long-lasting
relationship.
Knowing did not end
there.
Ultimately, knowing came to mean
that I was not secretly hoping something would change about my
husband or our relationship. If nothing changed, I would still
feel the same love, acceptance and commitment.
Now you know.
Spa Weekend ... At
Home
On a whim and unable to pass up
a bargain on a book with an interesting title, I purchased Home
Health Spa (see Book
Recommendations) from the clearance bin at a variety
store.
I chose a weekend when
my husband was out of town to turn the house into a
spa. The evening before my home spa retreat, I
prepared simple, healthy meals using the recipes in the
book.
Having turned the phone ringers
off for the weekend, I followed a schedule of meditation, relaxation
techniques, aromatherapy baths, self-massage, yoga and Tai
Chi. There was also non-scheduled time
for reading, taking a walk and doing some light
gardening.
Turning my home into a spa
for a weekend has been one of my favorite life
simplification experiences.
My hope is that
this sparks your own creative ideas for carving out a weekend
dedicated solely to your mental, physical and spiritual
enrichment. Even if it is not feasible to devote a
weekend right now, try a day or half day to start. You deserve
it!
Nature's
Lessons
Years ago, between
college and graduate school, I volunteered at a nursing
home and visited with a 98 year-old woman. We were
sitting outside one breezy summer day, and she told me to
"Look at nature and learn how to live."
She
spoke about the tree we were sitting under, its strength
represented in the trunk and its deep roots. She added that it
was also flexible enough to bend in the wind.
Similarly, we can
have the strength of our convictions, faith and values, yet be
flexible enough to adapt our thoughts, feelings, and actions to
changing circumstances without losing our identity.
"Look at nature
and learn how to live." I have thought about that phrase
many times since then. My hope is that you
might bring open eyes, an open mind and an open heart to
discovering nature's
lessons for yourself.
Bring Balance to Your
Life
Life is a balancing act. We juggle elements of our
personal, family and work life. We juggle elements of our
emotional, physical, and spiritual life.
Sometimes the
juggling act feels overwhelming and out of control. When this
happens, we can feel stressed, and key elements of our lives fall by
the wayside.
We go from task
to task in an attempt to regulate our lives, to achieve some sense
of stability, to strive for a pleasing harmony that is
BALANCE.
The key areas that converge to
provide us with a well-rounded life experience include (in no
specific order):
-
physical environment
-
fun
and recreation
-
personal/spiritual growth
-
career/business
-
money
-
health/self-care
-
family/friends (community)
-
significant other/romance
The questions and
statements below are designed to spark reflective thinking and
creative action.
Everyday we face opportunities to address each key area. Remind yourself to attend to
and develop the following areas regularly for the betterment of
yourself and your life.
-
How have you been attending to
this area lately?
-
List three signals that let you
know you need to pay more attention to this
area.
-
What attitudes and beliefs
interfere with your ability to improve in this
area?
-
List three small steps you can
take to do better at attending to this
area.
I encourage you to determine for yourself
which areas need more or less attention and development. Focus on one or two at a
time; more than that may scatter your attention. You may find overlap such
that you can attend to more than one area in the context of one
activity. Enjoy!
The Art of Loving
Oneself
Having relocated several
times, first because of my own educational and professional
transitions, and later because of my husband's military assignment
changes, I've had things damaged in the moving process.
One such item was a
glass framed print I purchased the summer before I started
graduate school.
It depicts a silhouette of a
dancer doing a magnificent leap in the air. Across the top, in
bold, sweeping letters reads, "Not afraid to
try." Across the bottom in statuesque letters
reads, "The art of loving oneself."
I can't remember when the glass
on the frame was broken, but it left a sizable crack that spreads
out in different directions.
When I was teaching in the
Occupational Therapy Department at the University of North Dakota, a
student asked about the picture, hanging on my office wall,
crack and all. I told her that I did not have any intention of
having the frame replaced because "even in our brokeness we can
still love ourselves."
My hope is that you will be
kind, loving and compassionate with yourself, no matter what
your life experiences have been.
Good Night, Sleep
Tight
In designing and implementing
the life you want to live, you'll need to use your internal
resources, such as motivation and creativity. Getting too
little sleep can decrease those resources.
The various demands of life
(school or work, family and friends) may result in less time for
sleep. Add stress to the picture and you may not be
able to fall asleep or stay asleep, even when you have
time.
One of the best strategies
I have used to fall asleep or to fall back asleep is writing in a
journal. (This is one of many strategies that can be used to
facilitate sleep.)
Some people use journal writing
as a general strategy to promote health and well-being. It is
a way to get worrisome thoughts out of your head and onto paper,
so you are free to sleep. Sometimes it works so well
that I even fall asleep while writing.
You may write whatever
thoughts or feelings come to you, in a stream of consciousness
style, or you may make lists of things to do the next
day. The key is to avoid worrying, thinking or planning in
bed.
So, go to another room, sit
or curl up in a comfortable chair, and write in your
journal. My hope is that you will get a good night's sleep,
awaken refreshed and ready to take the next step in creating the
life you want to live!
This information is not
intended as a substitute for your health professional's advice or
care.
Be Mindful
Enhance your enjoyment of
the present moment by being mindful of and appreciating all
that you experience through your senses.
Notice what you see, hear, feel,
taste and smell.
Through your sense of sight,
notice what you can find beautiful: the golden rays of the sun
peeking through clouds, the different hues of blue on your
teacup, the smile of someone you love.
Notice any sounds, like the
chirping of crickets outside your window, the whir of the air
conditioning in your home, the crunch of fallen leaves beneath your
feet.
Notice sensations that you feel
on your body: the massage of a hot shower against your
body, the warmth of the sun on the back of your neck, the
softness of your favorite slippers.
Notice the tastes you
savor: the flavor of your favorite spices, the sweetness of
your favorite dessert.
Notice any scents filling the
air, the aroma of food, candles, incense, or
flowers.
Take a break from hurried pace
of life and tune into what your senses are feeding you in the
present moment. To paraphrase a saying, "Today is a gift,
that's why it's called the present."
Make a List, Check it
Regularly
When life feels stressed, busy,and out of
balance, it can be hard to remember that you also have the
ability to relax and take care of yourself.
Make a list of the things you
do for your mind, body, and soul that are relaxing
and energizing, in a positive way. Include places you like to
go and people you like to be around.
Here are some ideas:
-
reading an engrossing book
-
doing a challenging crossword
puzzle
-
getting a massage
-
jogging
-
meditating
-
listening to inspirational music
-
going to a neighborhood park
-
visiting a supportive
friend
Keep this list handy and refer to it when you need some
ideas for ways to take care of yourself. Make it a priority to
implement the items on your list.
For a visual reminder, post the list someplace you
are likely to see it regularly, put it in your calendar or PDA,
or keep it on a note card in your wallet.
My hope is that you will use your list to stop going
through life on auto-pilot and start moving toward greater balance
and fulfillment.
Cultivate an Attitude
of Gratitude
I created a gratitude board, using an idea from Cheryl
Richardson's book, Take Time
for Your Life. I found an old cork board and covered it
with plain white paper. I used a push pin and a link of
rubber bands to attach a pen to the board. Across the top, I wrote
in bold, colorful letters CULTIVATE AN ATTITUDE OF
GRATITUDE.
Every time I walk by the board, which I placed in
the kitchen, I pause to write down something that I am grateful
for. My list includes expressions of gratitude for the beauty
in nature, spending time with loved ones, safe travel, a good
night's sleep, and so much more.
When you think of how often you pass
through your kitchen, this exercise can add up to many
reminders of the abundance in our lives. My hope is that
you find a vehicle to express appreciation and thanks for the
good things in your life.
Copyright © 2003-2006 Joneis Thomas,
Ph.D. LLC.
All rights reserved.
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